As I watch wind-driven snow billowing up into phantasms of white, enigmatic shapes, I sit considering my situation. Two weeks ago I made a life-shaking decision to return to the town of my birth. I was stalled out and rummaging around in a life I was not enjoying, except for the few minutes of respite as I lay in bed at night. So, it was time for a change!
I began an online fund-raising campaign to pay rent on house in Kansas, procure a vehicle that would (probably) make the trip, and funds to setup housekeeping, since I had no furniture, no kitchen equipment, or bed. Several folks pitched in, and with substantial help from a couple of family members, I was on my way.
This entire undertaking has moved along as if independent of my particular input, and only when I resisted a certain "way" it was unfolding did problems and apparent obstacles suddenly appear. I resisted losing my vehicle, and shortly it was gone; I resisted traveling "in the dead of winter", and shortly, there was 6 inches of snowfall; I resisted my online business tanking, and shortly, sales were non-existent. This led to deep doubts, anxieties and thousands of tiny uncertainties.
I began to come around to just letting go of control. Resistance, after all, is simply a control play. The universe "knows" what I have intended, and has set about delivering my desire. Who the hell am I to now question HOW it comes into physical reality? Not my monkeys, not my circus.
I guess the hard part is making the tiny, day-to-day choices that seem to ride up on me for approval or disapproval, and since they all have to do with "how" it's coming about, I wonder if my choices are inadvertently delaying the outcome, or outright blocking it. This is despite going with what feels like my "gut", and despite outright muscle-testing, and heavy or light evaluations. The nagging monkey-mind concerns and niggling worries were taking the fun and adventure out of the adventure!
Every signpost and signal seems to be indicating "smooth sailing", and yet here I sit with a tight gut, fearing the worst, and just wishing it was over. Geez. Has life really beaten me down so much that I can't enjoy any part of realizing my desires and dreams? Maybe.
That iconic speech by John Goodman in "The Gambler" movie, where he lectures a gambling novice, "Do you have a problem, like some little girl? Waa-waa-waa! Or are you f'd-up temporarily because your temporarily f'n stupid?" -- keeps playing in my head. It makes me laugh, yet at the same time it makes me feel like I've just leaped off a cliff and all the doubts and worries are suddenly cancelled by the reality of what I have just chosen. It's on, and it's gonna happen whether or not you're on board, buddy!
So, I believe there is a chance for some equanimity here. There is comfort in the truth that all is truly well, and it's okay to have what I desire. Resisting the hows and how-comes, is a hollow, futile exercise in personal control dramas. The key is to relax and enjoy the ride.
The quantum particles and waves have been set in motion and are merrily going about their duties, delivering the very thing I originally thought was such a great idea. Well, it IS a great idea, dammit! That's my reality, and I'm stickin' to it!
To your quantum health,